How To Get Fired

With the rising layoffs, drooping economy, and corporation downsizes, there are ways to keep your job, but also many ways to be at the forefront of who gets laid off (fired) first.

Here are some guaranteed ways to get fired. (If you want to keep your job, do the opposite.)

• Do your own thing and burn your company’s dress code.  So what if they don’t like spandex.  A long T-shirt covers my bottom.
• Arrive to work at least 30 minutes late everyday.  Since you’re late, you might as well stop and get breakfast.  At least you won’t be late and hungry.
• Get arrested and convicted of a crime.  Your personal life is really separate from your work.  Sit it out in jail until you can see the judge.  Call in to work and let them know you’ll be back as soon as you get out.
• Take two hour lunch breaks.  It takes you 20 minutes to get to the restaurant and 20 minutes to get your order.  Then you have to eat for that 1 hour you have for lunch.  The other 40 minutes….you can say there was bad traffic if there are questions when you get back to work.  
• Email personal emails all day.  Forward at least 10 jokes and don’t forget to use your work email address.
• Take personal phone calls throughout the day.  When your boss comes in to ask you something, motion your finger for him/her to wait while you finish your conversation, “No you hang up….No, I love you more.”
• Call in sick and get caught.  On the day you call in sick, faithfully meet your co-workers at the office to go out to your daily 2 hour lunch.  Enough said.
• Stalk and/or harrass a co-worker.  You know they can’t resist you.  Keep asking them out, call them, wink your eye, and send e-cards.  They’ll break down soon.
• Have yourself a drink.  Make sure you have a few martinis during lunch.  It will make the rest of the day a blur.
• Download to your heart’s desire.  The connections at work are so much faster than your slow dial up at home.  Download all the pornography you want to view later when you get home, so no one will catch you at work.
• Leave work early.  You could get a 15 minute head start on traffic.  If you leave 20 or 30 minutes early, you won’t run into rush hour traffic at all.
• Don’t do more than you have to.  If it’s not your project, don’t get involved.  Your thoughts about it should correlate with the following statement.  That’s not in my job description.

This list of suggestions on how to get fired only works if you are consistent on at least 2 of the aforementioned strategies. 

However, if you would like to be a successful, valuable employee, by all means, please do the opposite of all of the above.

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Work In Your Pajamas

Telecommuting is rapidly becoming an important aspect of working conditions.  According to a survey by Link Resources, Inc., approximately 26.6 million Americans are engaged in job-related work at home.  It is estimated that 10 million of these people operate their own business, and 5.6 million work at home for somebody else.   In addition, more than 500 large U.S. business corporations have formal work-at-home programs with roughly one million employees participating.

A vast majority of telecommuters are women who use the option to telecommute as a way to balance and maintain career and family obligations.  Other reasons workers telecommute is to avoid the long commutes to the office, and the traffic congestion that adds to the pollution problem.  It is convenient depending upon the job tasks performed as well.  Due to the increase in employee dissatisfaction with long hours away from home, the telecommuting option is a perfect fit.

Being able to schedule your own hours and essentially be your own boss is what makes telecommuting a great choice for workers.  It’s also fairly simply when managing telecommuters because it is results driven.  Usually, a worker has a deadline for completing assignments or projects.  Employees like the freedom of coming and going when they please in order to take care of children or family related responsibilities.

Telecommuting seems to be a desirable option when working for a company.  Employees seem to be motivated and driven when working in the comfort of their own home, with the office atmosphere and pressures.  It’s a good thing for employers and those that work to make a company successful.

Why not work in your pajamas?  Is this fair to those who come in the office to work?  Tell us what you think about telecommuting by adding to the comments.

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FMLA Changes…Yea or Nay?

The current Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) states that covered employers must grant an eligible employee up to a total of 12 work weeks of unpaid leave during any 12-month period for one or more of the following reasons:

• for the birth and care of the newborn child of the employee;
• for placement with the employee of a son or daughter for adoption or foster care;
• to care for an immediate family member (spouse, child, or parent) with a serious health condition; or
• to take medical leave when the employee is unable to work because of a serious health condition.

As of February 11, 2008, the Department of Labor published proposed changes to the FMLA that would, in the opinion of many employers, clarify some aspects of FMLA that have proved troublesome in the law’s 15-year history.

The changes are as follows:

Tightening of notice requirements from both sides. Employees would now have to let the boss know they need FMLA leave no later than the next day following a qualified need for the leave. Employees can take 2 days before they report to work.  In addition, they’ll have to follow tighter call-in procedures.  Employers will have to provide notice of FMLA rights annually, but will have longer to provide designation of leave – 5 days instead of the current 2 days.

Easing of medical certification. Under current law, employers are barred from contacting a worker’s health provider about the need for leave. The proposed changes would remove that restriction.  Some employers have looked for this change so doctors have fuller information about the worker’s responsibilities and working conditions before making judgments on a worker’s need for time off.

Continuing treatment redefined. Employees can qualify as needing continuing treatment if they make two medical visits over any period of time, even months.  The new changes would require those two visits in a 30-day period, making it more likely that there really is a serious condition present.

The U.S. Department of Labor publishes a draft in the Federal Register (that happened Monday) and allows a public comment period. If the time is not extended, employers have until April 11, 2008 to submit their thoughts to the Department of Labor.

Do you think this is fair for employees?  Does it seem to infringe on the privacy of the employee concerning their medical conditions?  Should employers have a right and be given that kind of power to call your health care provider to find out your medical condition and detailed reasons for a medical leave?

 Tell us what you think by adding to the comments.

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Is Your Co-Worker A Drunk?

You’ve been noticing that a co-worker has been M.I.A for countless periods of time throughout the day.  When you talk to your cubicle neighbor, you suddenly catch a whiff of what has to be cognac.  Right after lunch you smell the aroma of gin and juice reeking from their office.  It’s quite possible, your work mate is drinking on the job.

According to a study done by the The National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information, employees have admitted to drinking during work hours.  The study found that it was managers, not hourly employees, who were most often drinking during the workday.  Twenty-three percent of upper managers and 11 percent of first-line supervisors reported having a drink during the workday, compared with only eight percent of hourly employees.

The NCADI reported that the loss to companies in the United States due to alcohol and drug-related abuse by employees totals $100 billion a year. 

Alcohol abuse is an all too common problem in the workplace.  I can recall a co-worker who reeked of alcohol (gin) daily.  She was what I began to refer to as a functioning alcoholic.  The smell was horrendous and she would often cover her mouth while talking to you.  Strangely enough, she never missed a beat, walked without falling down, and talked without slurring.  It was a mystery to me. 

This has become an all too common problem in the work place.  Due to stress, fear and anxiety of layoffs and cutbacks, some employees are drinking the day away. 

Do you suspect you have a co-worker who is drunk at work?  Tell us more by adding to the comments.

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Squeeze This When Stressed at Work

All of us have experienced some sort of stress at one time or another.  It could be stress from family situations, relationships, loss of a loved one, or life transitions.  One common stress is work related stress.  There’s the recent stress brought on by fear of downsizing and layoffs.  Many people often resort to resigning or just quit their jobs because of the high level of stress that accompanies the position.

You probably have tried squeezing the stress ball or even venting to someone about the stress issues.  It may even seem like it’s getting worse.  Based on the way the economy is looking with unemployment on the rise, at this particular time, you may have to learn how to manage your stress, especially if quitting your job is not in your best interest right now.  Plus, stress can lead to depression as well as physical illnesses, such as ulcers.

Some ways to help relieve stress include, but is not limited to the following:

• Take breaks throughout the work day to clear your mind – call a loved one, visit a funny website online that makes you laugh, or go outside to get some fresh air
• Listen to music to get your mind off of things.
• Take a walk to get fresh air and clear your mind.
• Exercise to get the blood flowing and get your body energized.
• Take your vitamins to keep your body from going into stress mode.
• Meditate.  Sit quietly and practice not entertaining thoughts, but let them go out of your mind. 
• Spiritual meditation, a form of prayer, is also beneficial.  You focus on a particular scripture concerning your issue until God speaks to you.  Many people have experienced guidance and inner wisdom once they were able to quiet their minds.

Of course there are a plethora of other ways to help de-stress in the workplace.  Using just one of the suggestions above could make a real difference.  Hey, you’ve been squeezing that stress ball for weeks and you still have headaches. 

How do you handle work related stress?  Tell us about your experience by adding to the comments.

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Moonlighting Madness

Moonlighting can bring in some extra cash to offset rising costs being felt in the U.S. economy.  Some employees are beginning to moonlight just to have gas money to get to their day jobs. 

What ethics are involved while you’re burning the midnight oil?

If you are a plumber and you work for a plumbing company, it would not be a good idea to moonlight with clients of the company you work for.  That could cause problems and violate laws on ethical conduct.  There is a chance that if anything goes wrong as a result of the work you performed for the client, the client may try to hold your employer liable.

When moonlighting under those circumstances, it is best to inform your employer you are working for yourself.

Once you cross that line of infringing on your employer’s business, you have an ethical issue.

However, if there are no conflicts of interest, moonlight all you want.  It’s a good source of income and if your moonlight starts to run into daylight, you may be able to start a business of your own. 

What do you think about moonlighting?  Tell us your experience by adding to the comments below.

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Too Good To Be True

If you’re searching online for a job, submitting applications and resumes, and networking with others, you may have come across a job that was just too good to be true.  Nine times out of ten, it probably was.  Beware of the online employment scams.

One type of scam are employers who ask for personal information that includes your social security number or personal banking and financial information.  Any employer who tells you they need that information upfront for human resources in order to put you in the system to get paid is mostly likely running a scam.

Another red flag to look for are employers who offer you the job without interviewing you first or charge a start-up or placement fee.  Wow!  You’re so good, they didn’t even have to interview you.  Not true.  That is certainly not a common hiring practice so be cautious.

Then there are the notorious email scams that want to hire you to transfer funds, receive funds, deposit funds, or receive packages using your bank account.  Be wary of those employers that offer this “deal” who are often located outside the U.S.

If the employer who wants to hire you cannot give you a detailed description of the job opportunity or job duties, that is another sign that it’s probably not legit.

Searching for a job requires some patience at times.  Be careful not to get involved in the scams mentioned.  Of course, that’s not all of them.  There’s plenty more so protect yourself while you search for that new position.

If you come across any suspicious employers, you can always research the company online and check with the Better Business Bureau.

You can also contact the FBI’s Internet Crime Complaint Center and file a complaint if you feel you have fallen victim to any of these scams.

Have you been scammed?  Tell us your experience or what you think about employment scams by adding your comments.

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Does Stimulus Plan = New Jobs?

The $150 billion stimulus package is estimated to add 500,000 new jobs to the economy.  It is assumed that when people receive their rebate checks, that money will be spent, flowing back into the economy.  Businesses, especially retailers, will have to hire more staff to meet the increased demand.

However, many economists argue that businesses won’t hire permanent workers because many taxpayers will most likely quickly spend their one-time $600 rebate.  In addition to that, many companies are not going to change their hiring habits and procedures based on a one-time check to consumers.

According to CNNMoney.com, even economists who believe the stimulus plan will help the job market argue that it will be felt from limiting layoffs, not spurring hiring.

“I don’t think stimulus is going to cause a burst of hiring, it’s just going to prevent firing that might otherwise take place,” said Dean Baker, co-director of the Center for Economic and Policy Research.

There is even some concern that when taxpayers receive rebate checks, they will go to the mall and splurge so the rebate checks from Congress will go straight to China.

Do you believe the stimulus plan will bring new jobs?  Tell us what you think by adding to the comments below.

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Is Your Job Recession Proof?

With the economic forecast looking grim, the housing market at an all time high in foreclosures, and lay offs on the rise, the “R” word is starting to be used to describe what is happening to the U.S. economy.  The last thing you would want to do right now is take time off from your job to go on a long vacation.  When you get back, your position could be cut.

Now is the time to take those steps to recession proof your job. 

Being visible and standing out on the job is one way to raise your profile.  Email your boss and let him/her know about your contributions, without being obnoxious.  Basically it’s time to get your nose brown, do your job well, and make sure others know it.

Investing in yourself can also assist you to keep your job.  Cross train and increase your skills in other areas.  Get your skills up to date.  Take classes for certifications in areas of expertise.  Raise your value and specialize in something.  You could take some software classes and even volunteer to set up trainings for co-workers.  Considering graduate school is also an option.

Joining social networks like Facebook or Linked In can provide great ways to stay connected with others in your field.  Joining professional organizations can align you with others in your profession to bring to you support and value.  In addition, these networking opportunities can lead to job offers.  Make sure that your information on the social networks is tasteful and something you wouldn’t mind your potential employer to see.

If none of the above works, alternative tips on how to recession proof your job are not limited to but, include the following:

• Gather all the dirt you can find on the boss.
• Make known to boss you have gathered said dirt.
• Make him/her squirm as you blithely hint at spilling said dirt.
• Keep job.

Hey, it’s up to you on how you make sure you keep your job.  Those are merely opinionated suggestions. 

How are you making sure your job is recession proof?  Tell us by adding to the comments below.

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I Have An Interview…Now What?

It’s the night before the dream job interview and you get bombarded with the “what ifs”.  What if I say something stupid?  What if I don’t wear the right color?  What if I get lost on the way to the interview?

Prevent the “what ifs” and relieve your mind from unwanted stress and anxiety.  Research for a few days and take notes on important information about the company: how it was started, what they do, name of the CEO/President, and tie it into your career goals and how you would be a good fit for this company.

A couple of days before the interview, get directions to the office, and take a trip there to ensure you know exactly where you are going before the interview day.  This will alleviate any anxiety about getting lost, not knowing where to park, etc.

Decide what to wear ahead of time.  If it is a suit that needs to be dry cleaned, it should be dry cleaned a few days before the interview.  If you are pressing your own clothes, do it a few days before the interview as well.  You don’t want to wait until the night before the interview or the morning of the interview because that will probably be the day the iron declares war on you and burns up your jacket, and brands your slacks.

Practice what you will say during the interview by coming up with some sample questions.  If possible, get a friend to ask you the questions.  Any questions you stumble on, you will have time to work on better responses for the interview day.  If you have to practice without a friend, find a mirror and ask yourself the questions.

Print extra copies of your resume on quality paper and place inside a folder so that they stay clean and crisp.  Also, organize your portfolio and have copies of reference information in case you need it.

The key is to be prepared and that will allow you to be focused on making a good impression on your interview.

What do you do to prepare for an interview?  Tell us about your experiences by adding to the comments below.

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